Letter #2 from Didem to Carina

11 Mar. 20, 17:40

@a café in Kadıköy

Dear Carina,

I think a lot these days. These crazy days we have been through are full of constant thinking and then feeling lost. I think for example how people of Medieval Europe were feeling in the days of the plague. I think about the impact of the knowledge that I can access immediately. And I think about these letters we have been writing to each other.

Honestly, I have the time to write to you each day and each day I look at your posts and then I attempt to write a letter. But I could have finished only two letters yet. Maybe this -probably 9th- attempt would be the next to send to you, hopefully. To see if it would be, I need to think about the thing that blocks me to finish what I start writing: whom am I addressing? Is it only you? Is it the potential reader who would access these sentences through Internet? What difference would that make? If anyone else other than you were (/is?) reading right now why would they bother? Is it an opportunity to think about the most important  (I am not sure if this is the right word, and if right is also the “right” word) to address them? They? You? What would I need to write to them? Or maybe could I also address myself and write for us? Would I be embarrassed to share this careless stream of conscious, which is obviously not streaming in English? Would you somehow relate to that? What is your story? Which places have you been on the map? Whose story should I write here?  What if I try to start with myself? How should I?

As it is written under the title of Letters to Didem, which you may have already read or not, I am an artist from Istanbul who tries to move to Vienna. I don’t know how this short description would sound to you. I need to tell you more about the backstory. This is not only about one artist trying to move. This is also about that artist thinking about the process of her possible move. I think that one would not move without a reason. That reason does not have to be only reasonable, it can be affective, emotional, and physical. For a performer in Istanbul, it is always difficult to make theatre and make a living at the same time. It took many years to find the best possible version of making theatre and I still search for it. Since I clearly decided to move, it has been the most beneficial and fruitful part of my entire story, but also the most difficult one. Thanks to everyone I have ever worked with, also been in touch with, I am glad to all these encounters. There are a lot of things changing with the performance scene of Istanbul, positively. But I know that these are not enough for me and I am so sorry saying that because I do not have the power to struggle anymore, because it is always about the life outside the work. For instance, I do not feel comfortable at home, listening to the sounds while I dream about that quiet place to live in. But here every corner sounds. Sounds come from every corner of the city. And these auditory details that I think I became insensitive but actually I did not and I got exhausted of hearing them unknowingly. But these are not just physical form of the noises; there are also the noises of thoughts. And I do not feel comfortable to think all these out loud because.. It is because. This is the point where the words are not enough. And there I stop thinking and start moving. I walked 4 hours two days ago. It was wonderful. And I thought at some instants that I was actually walking with you. It was wonderful.

I really want to send you this letter, without reading a second time, without correcting. Let the language dissolve in itself. Because now I think there will be something’s missing from these letters and these letters also complete some missing parts.

Okay, let me finish this with an unfinished letter:

(time, date, place not noted)

Dear Carina,

I recorded this video while we were driving a friend - also a member of our ensemble- to the hospital. Her foot was injured for a long time, and because of the misdirection of another doctor, it was getting worse. Now she had to rest, and she is not allowed to walk for a quite long time -"quite a long time" for a physical performer. She reminded me of my recovery months two years ago. Staying at home with a seriously broken toe after two surgeries, in the middle of the season-no rehearsals, no performances. As performers, we are expected to move, to jump, to dance, to be able to do. This notion of ability is what we do not consider or think most of the time. And I remember my thought process of that period, that started with a bitter feeling of being at home, of assuming that I miss out the nice things of life and of doing nothing. Then it turned into a question about that "nothing", which actually applies to the bipedal activities only. And then walking in the neighbourhood with crutches slower than I am used to, thus realizing every detail around me during this relatively slower walk, I started thinking that I wasn't able to see while I was able to "normally" walk. There was also another question for the crutches; what makes crutches different than shoes?

But let's return to the video. The taxi driver, after asking us about the injury, here in this video, he tells about an accident….

So I will only be able to send a frame from the video. Maybe later..

All the best,

Didem